Torn and Worried

I have been thinking about writing this post for the past week. Honestly, I thought long and hard about it because I do not use this blog much anymore but I also do not want to come across as complaining. I am an educator. I am in my fourth year of teaching in the public school system. I am one of the many teachers who expressed a great deal of concern when the Secretary of Education nominee was named. Betsy DeVos. I had never heard her name before a few weeks ago, but now I fear I will become all too familiar with it. Honestly, I was not too worried about it initially. Then I started seeing clips from her confirmation hearing. This is when my worries kicked in.

I ultimately decided to write this post because there are people in my realm who are genuinely confused or unaware of why so many teachers are against this nomination. So here are my reasons.

1. She IS unqualified
This is an argument that people seem to think is up for debate. It isn't. Trust me she is unqualified for this position. That much was made very clear in her confirmation hearing when she didn't know the difference between growth and proficiency, not terrible for a normal everyday citizen. But ANYONE who has been engrossed in the education community at all in the last few years should have at least a skeleton knowledge of these two terms. It has been a hot button issue in the education community.

2. She is unfamiliar and personally does not support public schools
She has never attended a public school, nor have her kids. Now, that is not a crime. I have nothing against private schools. I, myself, was blessed with the opportunity to attend private school 6-12 grade. However, I also have been blessed to teach in two public schools. I have specifically taught in two different Title 1 schools. The majority of the students that walk through my door know that when they are at school, they are going to get their two best meals of the day there. They know it is a safe place. We literally have students who do not want to go home at the end of the day because they know their world is more stable at school. It is heart breaking and challenging but it is my job and I love it. I love that I get to be a part of their world and showing them what they can accomplish no matter what is going on elsewhere. It is hard to support someone who is clearly not in support or at the very least does not understand what it is like to work in or attend public school.

3. She supports taking money away from public schools.
You might have heard about the whole school voucher issue. At first glance, you might think- well that seems great. I mentioned earlier I attended a private school throughout middle and high school. I am grateful for that opportunity and naively used to think it was silly that my parents' taxes went to fund public schools when they didn't have any kids in school there. If you or your kids attended or attend private schools, you might find yourself in that same realm of thinking. I also mentioned earlier that I am a teacher in a public school. As a teacher in a public school, I know there are often times where I spend my own money to fund things because I know I wouldn't be able to get it for them otherwise. I try my best to weigh out the cost and the benefits. I am very worried about having someone in office that would take money away from public schools by pushing the voucher issue.

4. Accountability 
In the time I have spent learning about Betsy DeVos and her campaign for charter schools through a voucher system, I have been troubled. The main trouble I have is accountability. This was also an issue that came up in her confirmation hearing. She flat out refused to answer the question about whether or not these charter schools would have to answer to the same accountability measures that public schools do. Here is a hint, the ones she has supported do not. So even though they would be funded with tax payer money, they are not held accountable to the same degree.

Those are just 4 bullet points that will maybe help you understand why educators are against this nomination and appointment. Personally, it is more insulting than anything else. If I had been asked similar questions and gave similar responses in a basic job interview for a teaching interview, I can guarantee I would have been ushered out the door and would have never heard another word from them about a potential job offer. Instead, we are ushering her into the most powerful position available in the education community. This is why we are worried!

T-ball for the Threenager

OK, let me start by saying I am well aware it has been ages since I have touched this blog. So anyone reading this might think, why in the world come back to it now? To be perfectly honest, it is for purely selfish reasons. Shocker!

Here's the deal, my kid is three and a half and a full blown threenager! He is down right exhausting some days and there are times that I just want to throw in the towel on the whole motherhood thing and just take my chances that he will turn out ok. Then, I am hit with mom guilt, or maybe the Holy Spirit, and am reminded that while my son is ultimately God's child- I have been entrusted to raise this wild and crazy kid. So here I am finding my outlet to tell my stories to anyone who is interested...but mainly for me and my own sanity. If you find some semblance of identity here- awesome!

Most people, aside from my immediate family, would read the above paragraph and think, "Surely she is talking about some other child!" Here's the deal- most of the time my kid rocks the socks off of other kids (absolutely no bias there). But within the confines of our home, boy does he push, pout, and test me to no end. People in this world are so cruel when they say kids go through terrible twos. I am here to clear up any confusion. If your kid glides through those 2 year old years, brace yourself for those 3s. They are not for the faint of heart.

My boy started baseball this fall. Well to be more accurate, he started some sort of form of t-ball which is really just downright comical. Anyhow, he has been very excited about it and had his first practice last Saturday morning. I played sports all my life, so I just naturally assumed I would fall right into this whole ball mom thing with such amazing grace and ease. (Insert the sound of glass shattering here) So here is more how that day went. I got up and got in the shower, got dressed, fixed my hair, etc. So far if you are following, all stuff about me so far! Humble, I know! About 15 minutes before we need to leave I start getting my son ready. He was really excited about the baseball pants so getting dressed took no time. I got him loaded up in the car and left. So far, rocking it! It was about two minutes down the road when I realized he had no water bottle. So I thought no big, a stop at Walgreens can fix that. Which would have been a great idea had we not passed the display with the little model cars on it. My little threenager insisted he be able to get one. That request was met with a firm no and that was that. Did that last part make you laugh? It should have, totally joking. This resulted in tears, whines, and pouts. That trio lasted all the way until we were pulling in the parking lot. I was driving up thinking, "Awesome, I am going to look like one of those moms who is forcing her kid to play sports." Luckily, once he realized we had arrived, not having one of those cars was no longer the end of the world. We got on the field, got his jersey put on. Practice was going great. He was stretching, running, and catching the ball. He was having a blast, which was the most important part. Then it came time to hit and this is when it all came crashing down. He was told he had to wear his ball cap under the batting helmet. My little threenager found this absolutely unacceptable. No amount of talking was going to convince him otherwise. He was literally willing to not bat instead of put that helmet over his hat...how dare you suggest such a thing?!?! Fortunately for him, his church friend is on the other team and has his own helmet that we borrowed. Fast forward to time to leave and he says, "That was such a fun day of baseball." Well glory, glad it was all sunshine and flowers for you!

So needless to say, we took a trip to the store the other day and I, well he, is now the proud owner of a t-ball bat AND his own helmet. Say what you want but that is $20 well spent to avoid meltdown city! Accepting mother of the year nominations all week! ;)

Oh, and we are for sure breaking it in before Saturday!

That 4 Letter Word

L-O-V-E. Four letters. Two vowels. Two consonants. Four letters make up a word in the english language that means more than words of much greater size. Yet, it is a word that gets thrown around by all too many for all the wrong reasons. All too often, people only attribute love to romantic relationships. This is a way to lose out on all the love people around you have to give.

I LOVE my son! I LOVE my family. I LOVE my friends. I have some beautiful and cherished people in my life who I would go above and beyond the moon for if they asked me to, and even if they didn't ask!

But lately, the Lord has been pulling at my heart to dig deep and find out more about what the Scripture says about his LOVE. There are things I know in my head. For instance, I know that the Lord has an unconditional love for me. I know that His love is greater than any other love. But are those things I truly let seep into the corners of my heart. Do I just know those things or do I feel them and live them? So I am going to be attempting to make my quiet time with Him more focused on reading what the Scripture says about his love.

Love is a complex thing and I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life. One of my friends whom I love dearly is going through a rough time and my love for her compels me to reach out to her any way I can. It compels me to ask you to pray for her so that she may be lifted up in His strength and wisdom!

It is hard to imagine the Lord loving my son more than I do- but He does! He loves me the same way! He loves my sweet friend more than anyone and I just want to have the Scriptural knowledge I need to be able to show the people in my life exactly what our road map says about His love.

It's the Moments

I have grown quite accustomed to the way my daily life goes. I wake up no later than 6:30 a.m. Sometimes that time comes earlier. Sometimes I get up earlier because there is a little voice coming through the monitor that needs me. Sometimes I get up earlier because my mind simply can't or won't sleep any longer.

This morning I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 6:30, pleasantly surprised that my mind and my little boy had both stayed asleep! I reached for my phone and turned the alarm off and did what I typically do in the morning, I look at the daily verse on the Bible app and then I look at instagram and facebook. This particular morning there was a video someone had shared on facebook and it was one I knew I shouldn't click on but I did anyways.

After watching the video clip that was filled with emotions of joy and happiness, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I didn't even realize it but I knew why it was there. Unfortunately, it wasn't because I was so overwhelmed with happiness for these people I didn't even know. It was because I didn't get that moment. It was because I can never change the memory of how that moment went for me. I can never get that moment back. It will never be a moment filled with joy and happiness in my past. It was a moment filled with hurt, confusion, anger, and pain.

I never should have watched that video of a wife telling her husband they were expecting a little baby. I never should have watched as he got so excited that he cried tears of joy. I knew better, but I watched it anyways. I watched a video of what I had hoped that moment would have been like for me and cried a solitary tear when I was reminded I can't change the fact that it was not like that at all.

I don't think about the past because it doesn't help anything and it surely doesn't resolve anything. But there are moments when something hits me and I can't help but wish for different memories.

New Journey

Time to dust off that old e-mail from over a year ago, figuratively speaking. Literally, I will be digging through e-mails of over a year ago when my attorney emailed me a copy of the divorce papers and agreement I signed with my ex.

I thought I had all the time in the world to enjoy life with my little one. Do fun things with him, get to experience the first times for so much more. My ex is coming home, for good. I am still not completely sure how I feel about it all. He is coming home with his fiance. Believe it or not, that is not the part that bugs or bothers me in the least. I am genuinely happy that he will get to be a part of Ian's life the way I know he has wanted to be all along.

The hardest part for me will be the changes that occur in the coming months. I have but a few weeks left to enjoy my little boy to myself before it is the legally binding, and right, thing to do to share him with his dad. I feel like a little kid who is merrily playing with their favorite toy only to have it stripped away at a moments notice and told to share. It is appropriate that I feel like a little kid because I am fully aware that I sound like one!

It is something I promise I am working on. I know it is important for him to develop and have a relationship with his dad. I don't harbor any kind of ill will towards him by any means. I just hate that it means I lose time. In order for him to gain time, I must lose time.

It is hard and I struggle with wondering what first experiences I might miss out on. What holidays am I going to miss with him in the future? Then there is that little whisper that comes up and says, "It isn't fair that I will lose time with him because of the actions of someone else!" That is one of those times that I have to go through the forgiveness process all over again. I have to remind myself that even though I wasn't directly responsible for where I am today- I made choices that helped put me here. While some of those choices are ones I wouldn't make again in hindsight: I gained a wonderful little boy to love and cherish.

It will be quite the change but it is one I know I will adjust to because frankly, there is no other option. I just pray for peace and strength in the moments that my sinful selfishness tries to take hold. I pray that good things are to come from this and that God helps me fill my calendar every other weekend so I don't go crazy!

Ick!

 This little booger has been feeling a little icky, turns out he has an ear infection. A little medicine and three hour nap did wonders for him yesterday! Praying he continues to feel better!

The Unknown

It is really scary when you don't know what is around the next corner. It is easy to mentally plan out in our minds how we think life should be or what we think it will look like until a curve ball comes our way!

Just when you get comfortable, that is usually when things get all shaken up again.

I am desperately trying to remind myself that God is in control and He knows what is up ahead. As long as He knows and I trust in Him- He will equip me for whatever lies ahead. Father, please allow your strength to flow through my body so that I will be more than ready for and twist and turns!