Transformation

I see people doing transformation Tuesday a lot on instagram lately and it inspired me to do this post. This is my dear college roomie and I at a UGA football game back in college. God certainly knew what He was doing when He placed us together, we didn't know each other at all before rooming together. Even though we drove each other crazy sometimes, we spent more time laughing than anything else! There were countless nights of falling asleep to Mean Girls, Cat in the Hat, and countless other movies that were goofy! There was the rattling of pipes everytime some one flushed a toilet, a perk to being next to the bathroom. There was the spying on people in the Quad and yelling at them, then shutting the window real fast so they wouldn't know who it was. There was the late night trip to Huddle House in the pouring rain past curfew, yes I went to a small Christian college and we had a curfew! There was the constant yelling at our RA to go away when she knocked on our door to check curfew! Haha, Keisha always knew we were kidding though- most of the time. There was the four hours we spent in the hallway with our laptops watching movies because of a tornado warning, and sneaking back to our room to pop popcorn! There were so many wonderful memories! Now we are both mothers, she is more seasoned than I am. I feel like we both would admit that neither of us have or pretend to have all the answers. I feel blessed to have one my dearest friends ahead of me in the mother game. I love to hear her stories about her sweet little boy. I am glad to know that over the years when we get together- Ian will have a buddy to play with! So, two careless and crazy college girls have transformed into mothers. We will no doubt have late nights, although for different reasons. We will no doubt have many laughs. We will no doubt be forced to instill curfews of our own one day, and probably be yelled at to go away! :) And one sad day, we will send our boys off to college and pray they will be blessed with as amazing of friends as we got to make!

Full blown mama mode

So I since becoming a mama I have come to the realization of a few things, some of which I will no doubt share with you in due time, aka as I remember this while sitting in front of the computer! :)

My first realization as a mama is that drive-thrus were so under valued before motherhood. I am now a firm believer that everywhere should have a drive-thru. If this cannot be done, then my son should come equipped with someone to ride in the car with me everywhere I go, so I can hop out, run in, and get out. You know that my errand annoyances have greatly altered. I honestly used to dread going on long errand trips, like the grocery store. I thrived on those quickies where all I had to do was run and run out. Now, it is just the opposite. I dread having to go through all the trouble of getting little man out, only to walk in somewhere and drop something off or pick something up. I know greatly look forward to those long trips to the grocery store that make getting him out of the car actually worth it! 

A second thing I have come to realize is what people mean when they say, you will never have it all figured out. Some days I feel like I really have a handle on this whole motherhood thing and I just must be a natural! I know, how modest of me right? No worries, my son knows how to humble me. Just when he started doing really good at night, he decides he is not a big fan of going back to sleep after he eat at 3 in the morning. Just when he started to be okay with getting baths, I get the above result...and no that picture is not the same from the last post. The actually kind of funny thing about it was he was being really calm when his bath started. I got him in his little bath seat, he was fine. I got him wet, he was fine. I started to wash him with soap, scream bloody murder. I honestly couldn't help but laugh. It was like he didn't mind getting wet- but don't you dare clean me!! :) Haha!

The third and final thing, for now, that I have come to realize is that moments like this one where my son is the cutest thing in the world will make all these crazy, hectic moments melt away in comparison! Gosh I love him!! I am so blessed to be this little booger's mama!

Sick boy

Well I had to stay home from church this morning because I have a sick boy. My sick boy is dark brown, furry, has four legs, and was technically my first baby. My little Cash is not doing so great proven by his frequent, smelly, and runny bowel movements. That I know of, he has not eaten anything out of the ordinary but I am hoping it is just a stomach bug. I kept him off his dog food for a while and gave him a bunch of water yesterday. He has still not shown a whole lot of improvement. He isn't acting any differently though, so I see that as a good sign. In fact, right now he is doing his typical get as far as I can under the blanket as I can. I still feel bad for him. My mom and dad were so sweet to take Ian with them to church so I could keep a little closer eye on Cash for a little while. While, I greatly appreciate this I feel bad for all my boys. I feel bad being away from my sweet Ian but then again- he would have been in the nursery anyways I guess. I feel bad for Cash because he obviously has something funky going on. I feel bad for my other furry boy, Trooper, because I am keeping him away from his buddy Cash- just in case it is something that could be passed along to him. I have got Cash eating a little bit of rice with chicken broth and eating ice, because that is more appealing to him than actual water, who knows why my dogs think this! Hopefully he will feel better soon because goodness knows this mama can't handle late nights with not a lot of sleep and waking up to a doggie mess to clean up as well!

To brighten this messy post, let's toss in some pictures of my sweet boy who is not furry with four legs, and sure hope he stays that way! :)

Can you tell that bath time is sooo much fun? ;) He does better now, but I absolutely love this picture because the towel is a shark towel and he looks like he is being eaten and not happy about it! lol.

4 generations!

Checking out my Aunt Ashie.

Our little family of three. Love these two guys!

The day he had to go back! :( Looking forward to him being back home again in August for good.

I am 1 month old and I still love my hands!!!

Looking so much like his daddy, you can see the reddish tint of my hair in these pictures.

Falling asleep...hopefully

So I am sitting here in my glider in my son's nursery with my sweet angel bundled up in my arms. It is currently almost 3 in the morning and he finished off his bottle about 30 minutes ago. If you remember I mentioned that my sweet boy sleeps pretty good at night. In fact, before he woke up for this bottle he had slept four hours and eaten five hours ago. The thing he is not always so great about is going back to sleep. Proven by my current state of patting, cuddling, and trying to avoid eye contact and talking- so as not to stimulate him (so the experts say)! He is just now starting to drift but I figured as long as I am confined to the glider might as well take the time to record these little moments I might not remember so well one day. I am all too aware how fast he is growing. I know the day is fast approaching where cuddling with mom will not only not happen- it will be totally not cool. I know the day will come when I go to kiss him and he resists or wipes it away. I guess I should prepare myself for that heart ache now. In the mean time I think I will stick up on extra cuddles and kisses because there is nothing he can do about it right now! :)

5 weeks!!

My sweet little boy hit 5 weeks this past Monday. It is true what they say, time surely does fly by!! It has been an exciting adventure so far. Some things I have come to learn and love about my precious son!

One, it still feels weird to think I am a momma and I have a son! I love the little guy to pieces and still can't believe he is mine! I love being an aunt to my two adorable nephews, but this is so much different. I don't care what people say about loving them and giving them back...when it's your own- you can't imagine having to do so. I truly can't imagine my life without him. I never imagined that being a mother would be like this. Sure, there are moments I am frustrated because I can't get him to calm down. Sure, there are times when I hear the cries over the monitor that I think, "I really think he should go back to sleep." Let me be clear, and knock on wood, that these moments are few and far between. My sweet son has been such a great baby for the most part. He is absolutely spoiled but I am starting to get him away from that a little bit...I am learning the tough love. He is also sleeping around 4 hours at a time for me at night which I think is a raving success and I can't complain one bit when it means one middle of the night feeding and one early morning feeding!

Two, this little guy has more love than he could ever ask for. As I have mentioned, I have the two coolest nephews around so my little guy is the third grandchild on my side of the family. Well apart from my dad, who is in the white haired guy in the very back not all crowded around the window, these are all loved ones from his daddy's side of the family. Sweet Ian is the first grandchild on his daddy's side where both of Jonathan's parents are remarried, which makes for two grandfathers and grandmothers and three aunts. They were all there and proud to be there. So this little boy will never be wanting for a hug and kiss.

Three, my sweet boy LOVES his hands. He must have had his hands by his face a lot in the womb because he loves to sleep with his hands or arms up by his face. As a result, he hates to be swaddled because that means his hands are not free. In fact in the first few weeks I would get so tickled because he would be laying there fast asleep and all the sudden throw up his arms straight into the air. I teased that he was making sure he could still get to his hands! Haha. And yes, he is being raised right- go dawgs! :)

To put in in my nephew's words, "He's cute." I know I am obviously very biased but my kid is cute!! I think he has his moments where he resembles me but I think for the most part, he favors his daddy. Obviously I think his daddy is pretty handsome so I am ok with that. Haha. For those that don't know, my hubby has red hair and was pretty disappointed when his son didn't enter the world with bright red strands atop his head. However, as the days have gone by I do believe his hair has a reddish tint to it. 

The last thing I will share for now, is that he didn't get his feet from mommy or daddy. Neither of us have large feet or are particularly tall but this baby boy sports some large feet! It doesn't help that he has little bird legs that show off how large his stompers are. Lol. I thought this was funny one day when I looked over as he was sitting with my mom and seemed to be showing off how large his feet were by sticking one foot straight up in the air. Silly boy! If he grows into those things, he will outgrow his daddy for sure!

These were all from his first week so I will try to catch up again soon now that my sweet boy is on a better schedule and gives me a little bit of time to get things done. 

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope, and a future."

This has always been a favorite verse on mine, particularly in times of trial. This verse has come to carry such greater meaning in the past months. The past year has been, without a doubt, the hardest year I have ever had to face. In May of last year I had to deal with exuberant joy of discovering I was pregnant only to lose that joy a few weeks later. My mind naturally raced between all sorts of blame and fearful thoughts that I may never be able to give birth to a child of my own like I had always hoped. My husband was an absolute rock for me through this hardship but I carried a lot of guilt over not being able to give him that little life he was so excited about. Instead of talking to him about all those emotions and feelings the way I should have, I shut down about the topic. I kept my feelings to myself and swept them under the rug- convinced if he was strong for me, he deserved for me to be strong for him. It was about this time that I began to realize how many things in my life I had begun to place above God. It was sad. I had placed my husband above God. I had placed my desire to start a family before God. I hated that it took such a tragic moment in my life to realize this. I started becoming more faithful in my church attendance, despite not being a huge fan of the chapel on base. I reminded myself that church was not for me, it was for God. It didn't matter that sometimes I didn't like the music. It didn't matter that sometimes the chaplain speaking seemed to be reading a sermon someone else had written. All that mattered is that God calls me to observe the Sabbath and worship Him. I began to realize that and tried to look for ways to serve Him as best I could. My husband attended church with me occasionally but it was at this time I became painfully aware of how far my husband had drifted from God as well. I believe it was during this time of my trying to work through my emotions on my own and simultaneously growing closer to God that my marriage truly suffered.

I will not ever justify some of the actions that came about as a result of the drift that occurred in my marriage but I will forgive. God guided me through a very rough year of ups and downs with the man I had placed above Him. He guided me to forgiveness time and time again, even when I didn't understand the ability to forgive. He guided me to give chances when I thought it was crazy, as did everyone else in my life. Ultimately, my mind set was that I had made a promise to this man. I had committed to him and would honor that promise until he was no longer my husband- if it came to that. The whole time, my heart and soul, longed for a story of redemption. My heart and soul longed to see my husband turn back to God and become not just the man of God I married, but a stronger man of God. When he came home for our son's birth- I was convinced this was going to happen. Instead, the opposite happened. Things got worse and yet God still called me to have an attitude of grace and mercy by pointing out to me that is what He would do. It was a rough week that ended in the signing of papers and I had finally come to the conclusion that God was not going to give me the answer I wanted Him to give me. Maybe that is what God had planned all along. Maybe He wanted to see that I would praise Him, even if I didn't get what I wanted, because it was only after this that my prayers were answered.

God has given my marriage a second chance and has done far more than I could have ever imagined in the heart of my husband. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us to repair the damage done to our marriage in the last year but we are both willing and understand that putting God at the center is the only way it will get done. I got my story of redemption and I could not be more nervous about the journey that lies ahead. I am still terrified that the rug is going to pulled out from under my feet again, therefore I am extremely cautious until I continued to be proven wrong day in and day out. He is doing his best to put my doubts and fears to rest and I am grateful for that. More than that I am grateful to see and hear what God is doing in His heart and life. We are sharing devotions with each other and praying together and finally putting Christ at the center of our marriage the way we should have a long time ago. I asks that you continue to pray for us as we set out on this journey to heal our broken marriage. It is very difficult with him being gone for now. Pray that God keeps us both strong and gives us the resolve to work through our differences and weaknesses.

Also, I plan on giving you a better Ian update soon but to tie you over until then- here are some of the newborn pictures they took in the hospital.

New Chapter

Today marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Those of you that are familiar with me know I have been going through a long drawn out personal struggle in my marriage. It has been an ongoing struggle to maintain a positive attitude throughout everything that has happened. I never imagined myself birthing my first child only to sign divorce papers a couple weeks after he was born. I certainly never imagined my life looking like this. I love my little boy with all my heart and my heart still hurts that I can't give him the family I wish I could. He has so many people in his life that love and spoil him already. I know he will not miss out on love. Through all the hard ships, Ian's dad was able to be here to help for a little while. It was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I also knew it was the right thing to do to let his dad have some time with him. There are so many emotions and a big part of me that is still in utter disbelief over the events of the last year. I have no idea what God has in store for me and my little boy but I know He will take care of us.

As I sit here and type this update, he swings away in his little swing completely oblivious to troubles of this world. I wish, with all my heart it could stay that way. However, I know the day will come when I will have to answer questions I don't want to answer. I will have to find a way to delicately explain a painful time to my son. I do not look forward to that day. My little boy is an angel and I do not want him to ever doubt the greatness this life holds, especially when we lean on Christ. I am not going to lie, even though a part of me is relieved, it is hard that there was not a happy ending to that part of the story. I did my best to carry myself in a manner pleasing to the Lord through this trial, and a part of me truly thought there would be this drastic transformation and restoration in order to provide a happy ending and a story that could be used to reach others. Obviously, that was not in the cards. I can be at peace with everything because I know I did everything I could, and went beyond my own limits to honor the promise I made. It sometimes feels like it was all for naught but I know I can hold my head high and that means a lot to me now and will mean even more to me down the road.

This next chapter in my life is a very scary one because I have no idea what it looks like. I know it means being dependent on a lot of people in my life, which is something I have never been very great at doing. It is scary knowing I will still have to deal with the emotions of everything in the past because of the fact that Ian's dad will always be in the picture in some form or fashion. I wouldn't want him not to be in the picture, but it is just hard. I know it will get easier with time and I sincerely pray and hope that he is able to be the father figure my son needs, even though he will be gone most of the time. Please just remember me in your prayers over the next little while as I continue to draw strength from the Lord and rely on Him to get me through every twist and turn that lies ahead.