New Journey

Time to dust off that old e-mail from over a year ago, figuratively speaking. Literally, I will be digging through e-mails of over a year ago when my attorney emailed me a copy of the divorce papers and agreement I signed with my ex.

I thought I had all the time in the world to enjoy life with my little one. Do fun things with him, get to experience the first times for so much more. My ex is coming home, for good. I am still not completely sure how I feel about it all. He is coming home with his fiance. Believe it or not, that is not the part that bugs or bothers me in the least. I am genuinely happy that he will get to be a part of Ian's life the way I know he has wanted to be all along.

The hardest part for me will be the changes that occur in the coming months. I have but a few weeks left to enjoy my little boy to myself before it is the legally binding, and right, thing to do to share him with his dad. I feel like a little kid who is merrily playing with their favorite toy only to have it stripped away at a moments notice and told to share. It is appropriate that I feel like a little kid because I am fully aware that I sound like one!

It is something I promise I am working on. I know it is important for him to develop and have a relationship with his dad. I don't harbor any kind of ill will towards him by any means. I just hate that it means I lose time. In order for him to gain time, I must lose time.

It is hard and I struggle with wondering what first experiences I might miss out on. What holidays am I going to miss with him in the future? Then there is that little whisper that comes up and says, "It isn't fair that I will lose time with him because of the actions of someone else!" That is one of those times that I have to go through the forgiveness process all over again. I have to remind myself that even though I wasn't directly responsible for where I am today- I made choices that helped put me here. While some of those choices are ones I wouldn't make again in hindsight: I gained a wonderful little boy to love and cherish.

It will be quite the change but it is one I know I will adjust to because frankly, there is no other option. I just pray for peace and strength in the moments that my sinful selfishness tries to take hold. I pray that good things are to come from this and that God helps me fill my calendar every other weekend so I don't go crazy!

Ick!

 This little booger has been feeling a little icky, turns out he has an ear infection. A little medicine and three hour nap did wonders for him yesterday! Praying he continues to feel better!

The Unknown

It is really scary when you don't know what is around the next corner. It is easy to mentally plan out in our minds how we think life should be or what we think it will look like until a curve ball comes our way!

Just when you get comfortable, that is usually when things get all shaken up again.

I am desperately trying to remind myself that God is in control and He knows what is up ahead. As long as He knows and I trust in Him- He will equip me for whatever lies ahead. Father, please allow your strength to flow through my body so that I will be more than ready for and twist and turns!

Don't Blink!

My baby is becoming a boy and I love and dread it all at the same time! I feel like I have done a good job of cherishing each stage. When he was a newborn- I cherished the way I could hold him for hours. When he was an infant I cherished his smiles, laughs, and coos. When he was mobile, I cherished watching him explore and discover things for the first time. When he turned one, I cherished watching him run and play. Now that is a year and half- I cherish his love for ball and try to play with him as much as possible. I cherish the way when he gets up in the morning, he still wants to snuggle with his blanket a little longer. I cherish the way when he is tired prepare for a major melt down over the simplest of things, but also prepare for the way he will want you to pick him up and snuggle him.

The hardest thing sometimes about being a single mom and not knowing what the future holds is not knowing if I will get to love another little one of my own. I save most of his clothes in hopes that I will but I don't know if I ever will and I know with time- I will feel down right silly for holding on to things that I hope I get to use again. Even now, when I go to put away his clothes- I am more picky about what I save. I evaluate how many times he wore it and whether it fit him well or was true to its size. I know eventually, I will probably go through all those old clothes again and do the same thing to clear space.

I know it is silly. I know there are things I would keep regardless of whether or not a future little one would ever be a possibility. It is silly to think about but I am having a hard time with not knowing if he is the first and last. If he is, I am perfectly content with that. God has blessed me beyond measure with this little life and I pray God continues to give me the strength to raise him the way He needs me to raise him. But there is a vast difference between choosing for it to be your last and not knowing. So I cling to moments not knowing if I will ever go through the stages with another. He would be such a great big brother. I don't know if he will ever get that chance. If he doesn't, I am sure he will find some little brothers and sisters to "borrow" from time to time. In fact, he would probably prefer it that way! ;)

I am so thankful for the role God has given me, I can only hope and pray that peace will soak every part of my being- regardless of whether or not I am a mom of 1 or many.

Just a little light reading

What are you reading these days? I am in the midst of a Bible Study on Thessalonians so most of my reading revolves around that. I checked out a book from our church library a shameful amount of time ago and am looking forward to being able to read it soon, like next month maybe! ;)

It kind of makes me chuckle to think about the amount of reading I did before I became a mom. I love to read and reading a story to my little man is by far the favorite part of the bed time routine but I do remember when I used to read books that didn't rhyme.

One of my favorite Christian authors is Karen Kingsbury, but I can't tell you the last time I had the luxury of picking up one of her books. It isn't because I have no desire to, it is more due to the fact that I like to get through a book quickly. My brain is not organized enough to start a book and then slowly finish it- all the while remembering the  little details that make the story what it is. It is a luxury I am not very familiar with anymore. Maybe one day that will change- you know after that to-do list gets done! ;)

To Do list?

What does your to-do list look like? Mine doesn't look like much of anything. mainly because I am rarely organized enough to make a to-do list! Every now and then, when tasks begin piling up so does a list. So here are some things I had hoped to get accomplished this weekend:

Consignment sale shopping at the Y: hands down best place to get Ian's play clothes because who doesn't love scoring a shirt for $1!

Tumbling Toddlers: I have heard about this gym class you can take little tots to and Ian has been old enough for a while now. It is drop in and I have been trying to pencil it in for weeks.

Grocery shopping: I needed to get some basic things that seem to always slip my mind every time I am in any other kind of store.

Shoe shopping: I have had an itch to hunt for some to-die-for neutral colored shoes for a while now.

Bulletin Board: I have been meaning to decorate the bulletin board on our nursery hall for all of 3 weeks now.

So, you ready to hear what I got accomplished: consignment sale. Yep, that is it! I was genuinely excited about being able to hit up the consignment sale and intended to take Ian straight over to let him run around and play in the gym and do whatever they do at this thing! It was the first Friday that I had ample time to do so. That was until I woke up feeling like I bus ran over me! It was literally about all I could do to make it to the consignment sale. Even that trip was touch and go for a while. My extreme desire to find a bargain overruled my stomach's plea to just lay as still as possible. There were a few moments standing at the 18 month clothes rack sifting through clothes that I thought it was all over. I just knew any moment that I was going to be that woman. You know, the one who hurled all over some clothes, was forced to buy said clothes, walk out in the rainy weather and put said clothes in my car where the stink would no doubt cause a cycle of incidents on the drive home (all the while pouting because I didn't want to buy those clothes- they were not even that cute and some were $3!!). Luckily, I made it through and instead probably just looked like the girl that had too much to drink the night before. Either way- mom of the year award coming my way!

Anyhow, needless to say, I didn't think I could handle a toddler jumping all around and what not- especially since you are required to walk your child through whatever hoops they are to jump through. So sadly, that got postponed- again! At least my child is not old enough to know about the fun thing he would have been doing had mom not felt like the walking dead. Praise the Lord for my easy going little dude who was content to play and watch the evil one eyed monster upstairs while mom laid on the couch and tried not to move.

By the late afternoon, I was starting to feel a wee bit better. I was able to at the very least engage in what Ian was doing and spend some time with him, rather than just existed on the couch. That evening was the Homecoming football game at my alma mater and I knew I wanted to go. So feeling a little better gave me the extra push to get out of my sweats and put on some presentable clothes and head to the game. Ian had a blast, he always does. He loves ball games. He danced and ran around and actually sat surprisingly still for some of the game. I got to see some old classmates and introduce them to Ian. I can only hope his cuteness made up for my lack luster appearance!

Saturday was dedicated to college football. I opted out of going to the game and instead stayed home to watch it and other games that were on tv. It was a crazy day in college football Saturday and I was glad I opted to stay home so I could witness some of the madness.

Sunday was church, baby shower, and church again. So with the majority of my list theoretically unchecked, it is probably a good thing I never wrote it down. :) Not I get to go to the store on my way home from picking up Ian. Maybe, just maybe some of that other stuff will get done.