Just like so...

Well, I have put off this post long enough I suppose. I have put it off because I don't really have the words but I know there are people who care and who should know. My divorce is back on and will be finalized probably before the end of the summer. I have had people ask about how I am doing. Honestly, the best thing I know to say is that God has given me a peace and a strength that even I do not understand. It doesn't take away the hurt and pain I feel sometimes but I am ok.

There are things I still don't understand and times where I am still baffled by the past year. I am coming up on a year since my husband of three years told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and as much as I tried to hang on for the both of us, it was too hard when I was being ignored. So, I made the hard decision to come home. I made this decision mainly because of the little life I discovered around the same time that was growing inside of me. I have mentioned briefly before that I suffered a miscarriage in May of last year. I was terrified that this little life would not handle the added stress on my body well at all if I were to stay across the ocean from the people I needed the most at that moment. I was having a great deal of difficulty finding just the strength to eat and I was terrified I might lose this new little life as well, so I came home.

I prayed as hard as I have ever prayed for anything. Things just kept getting messier and messier, which is not much of a surprise considering we were an ocean apart and factors there that I had no control over. I continued to do everything I could to trust God and let Him guide me through every twist and turn- and there were a lot of those! I thought God had finally reached a distant heart when he came to me with a humble and repentant heart. I don't doubt that God touched his heart but unfortunately it still did not mean the results I thought it would. It was clear that I was going to be the one putting in the most work, which may not have been so bad if I hadn't been through everything I have been through in the past year. I have been hurt time and time again by the person in my life I thought would always protect and stand up for me. That part still hurts. It still hurts to know I wasn't worth fighting for in his eyes. It is something I struggle with daily. I wake up and remind myself there is one person who knows I am worth fighting for and fights for me everyday, Christ. If there is one thing I have learned it is that the faithfulness and love of Christ is far greater than any I will ever experience otherwise.

In the end, the past year has been nothing but a tangled and emotional mess. Someone asked me the other day how I could describe what my life was like before Ian came along. Considering how much Ian has changed my life already and how many things are so different from how they were before he came along, I told them it was like a different life. I think back and it is hard to remember now after everything. My heart hurts because someone who once thought I was very valuable doesn't anymore. Someone who once made me feel like the most special thing makes me feel taken for granted. I still cringe when I think about some of the things that happened this past year and how my heart was dragged through the mud. I am not angry but there are things I still don't understand and I may never understand them. There are still questions that I do not have the answers to and I may never have those answers. I am working on being okay with those things but I know it will take time. For the time being, I am working on accepting my new place and trying to be grateful for the lessons the last year has taught me.

I hope to one day find love again, but I know if I do- it will be a long road and it will be with someone who actively proves that he loves Christ more than he loves me. I hope to find someone who will be a good father figure in Ian's life since his dad will more than likely be in the army and rarely close by. I hope to find someone who will challenge me in my walk with God and look to Him during the rough times and know that no matter what happens, that with God's strength, we will find a way to get through it. But if God never gives me that person, I will be okay.

Sorry for the bombardment but, like I said, I have been meaning to write an update on the situation for a while but didn't know if I could find the words. I still don't know if I have found the sufficient words to express the emotion in my heart but I guess it will suffice for now. Thank you for your continued prayers and support!

More to Come

A glimpse into why it has been a crazy week...

CrAzY

This week has been a little hectic thus far, I promise to update soon!

Video #1

Here is the video I took of my little booger during tummy time yesterday, I love all his sounds! Sorry for it being turned, guess I know now to turn my phone the other way if I want to upload it later. :)

Tummy Time!

My sweet little man stays with a family member of mine during the week so his play mat stays there during the week for him to play with there. Since his play mat stays there, that means more opportunity for tummy time with mommy when he gets home. Last night, I put him down for some tummy time when we got home from church. He did such a good job at holding up his head all by himself and held it up for quite a while. I am already dreading all these milestones fly by. Did any of you other mothers struggle with wanting your children to reach a milestone while simultaneously wanting to hold them down so they don't grow? :) My little guy is so close to laughing for the first time. He gets these times where he can't decide whether to laugh or cry and it is downright cute! There have been a few times where he was almost laughing and I can't wait to hear that! He coos and "talks" so much now. He was talking a bunch during tummy time last night. Those are things I love, I dread seeing him roll over for the first time. That means we are getting closer and closer to that mobile stage! AAAHHH!! Can't I just put him in one of those hamster balls and let him move around that way? No? Don't get me wrong, I want him to grow and learn how to do things he is supposed to developmentally be able to do, but I want to push pause for a while first! Hehe. I want him to always want to snuggle, cuddle, and fall asleep in mommy's arms. He fell asleep in my arms last night not too long after tummy time ended and I just sat and watched him sleep peacefully. I prayed over his little hands, that they would always be willing to do the work of the Lord. I prayed over his little feet, that he would always be willing to go where the Lord is calling him. I prayed over his little lips, that they would allow the love of Christ to flow from them. I prayed over his little ears, that he would always be open to hear the word of the Lord. I prayed over his little heart, that he would one day invite the Lord to take residence there and stay there. Then I prayed over my own hands, that I would always show my little boy how to use your hands for the work of the Lord and to love. I prayed that my feet would lead the way by showing my little one what it means to follow the Lord. I prayed that my mouth would speak the truth and speak words of kindness, forgiveness, and love. I prayed that my ears would always be available to listen to everything my little boy says because if he is talking about it- that means it is important to him. I prayed over my heart that he will see Christ there and that Christ will help me when I have to give my little one more freedom than I would like. Give me strength when I have to give him the chance to fly on his own and watch as he might fall, but knowing he will learn how to get back up and try again. It was such a sweet time praying over my little boy and the relationship we will share with each other as well as the relationship we will share with the Lord. Thank you Lord for this beautiful blessing.

WHOA Wednesday

Swaddling this little angel has really helped mommy and him get better sleep! So thankful he is finally letting me swaddle him since he has become a big fan of attacking his face when he is trying to sleep. haha.

Finally got my hair cut and it feels SO much lighter and better.

My little one continues to grow! We enjoyed a nice relaxing weekend after our madness of a weekend a week ago. This little cutie and I did make a short drive to Hartwell on Friday to see the sweet ladies that mommy used to teach with! They all loved this little man. I absolutely love this picture because it looks like he is seriously trying to punch someone! Plus you get a great shot of the cute onesie he has on! This was his first time wearing one of his 3 month onesies. About half of his 0-3 month wardrobe has been rendered packable because he is either too long or a little too round. Hehe! I love that he has a little belly now but I also love that he is still not pudgy because even though that means less rolls of cuteness...it also means less rolls to clean during the bath time ritual which he is still a little unsure of! While I am sad to see him transition out of smaller clothes and into bigger ones...I am also very excited because he has some SUPER CUTE 3 month clothes!! Just wait! Pictures will be taken- no worries! :)

Saturday was a relaxing day and perfect for play time on the play mat. Cash has become a slight fan of Ian's play time because that means he gets to explore this noisy creature mom brought home a little more. This particular day Cash looked like he wanted so badly to play with Ian. I got so tickled when I looked down and saw Cash laying on his back staring up at Ian's toys as he played. I was so happy he stayed there long enough for me to get a picture of Cash imitating Ian. This is one of those pictures that will make me giggle years from now. Not too long after this, the dogs were playing while Ian sat in my lap on the floor. I looked down to see Ian watching them intensely. It was the first time I can think of that Ian really noticed and watched them. He just sat there and watched them play. It will be so fun to see the dogs and Ian discover each other in the months to come.

Do you remember me mentioning those CUTE 3 month outfits? You do? Great, this is one of them! I decided he would wear this to church on Sunday since it was Memorial Day weekend, that we would sport our red, white, and blue. First of all, I am an absolute sucker for all things sear sucker! I love it! It is almost as bad as my plaid addiction...ALMOST! My poor child will probably hate both when he sees how much I put him it in as a child! But I just love these little sear sucker overalls with little sail boats. He was just too cute for his own good. Luckily I snapped a picture of him grinning before he saw my phone in my hand. He has become quite stingy with his grins when it comes time to document them. He gets far too distracted by the phone and forgets that mom wants him to smile!

This is the perfect example of the face I get when I pull out the camera to capture a grin. Before this picture was taken, he was grinning from ear to ear. I grabbed my phone and tried to be sneaky about holding it above his head where he would not see it right away...well we all see how that worked! He just stops whatever he is doing and stares at it. Then I put the phone down to call him a stinker...wouldn't you know he just grinned! I had to laugh. What else can you do but laugh sometimes? I know that is something I will remember all too well in years to come.

Sunday afternoon and Memorial Day were spent by the pool. Sunday afternoon some friends of my parents came over and Monday my big brother came to spend the afternoon with us. We grilled out and just enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and when we got hot...what a great thing for there to be a pool nearby! :) I can tell my parents are really going to love this! Little man was up for some of the fun, but spent most of the time swinging happily away and pretending to talk on the phone. Haha just kidding. He just looked like he was talking on the phone here. He loves napping in his swing and conveniently takes a really good afternoon nap. So he just enjoyed his nap outside in the shade with a cool breeze while everyone swam. Eventually I will let him test "swimming" but unfortunately I have misplaced the shirt that goes with his swim trunks so not anytime soon. I have searched high and low in that child's room...sad!

Anyhow I hope everyone else had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and didn't forget to stop, pause, and remember why we get this time off work. I am incredibly grateful for the soldiers who have given their lives so that I may live mine. I do not discredit those who are still serving or who served in the past but this weekend was not about them in particular. I am thankful that these men are willing to give everything, but I spent my weekend thankful for those that did give everything. I spent my weekend praying for the families that gave up a loved one and were forced to change their lives because they stood behind a loved one who stood up for all of us! Thank you to all the men and women who have served or are serving but thank you especially to the ones who gave their all! Your courage, strength, and bravery will not be forgotten!