Sunday, February 28, 2010

Hard, Harder, Hardest

I don't complain much about Jonathan being gone in Cuba. I feel like if you were to put in on a meter the number of my complaints, the line would be at the very bottom. Sometimes, it is more how I appear. But there are times when I am by myself when I can't help but think why God has called us to go through this time. In the past year I have spent about a months worth of time with my husband. He left for training last March so it has been almost a year. We are coming up on 7 months in Cuba, 5 to go. When it is all said and done we will have spent the better part of a year and a half apart. Most days I can keep myself busy enough to not think about it too much but I can never trick myself completely because I am always well aware of the empty space beside me that should be filled. I am always aware that when I come home at the end of the day there is no one else there. I am always aware that the amount of communication with my husband that night depends on whether the internetor or the phone lines in Cuba are working. Thank the Lord for technilogical advances that allow me to hear my husbands voice and see my husbands face. Now if only there were a way to feel his touch, feel his arms wrapped around me, and tell him "I love you" whenever I want. People ask me often how I am and I usually respond with ok or fine. People ask me how is married life and I honestly do not know what they expect me to tell them so I always laugh and make a joke.

The truth is it is hard at times, harder at others, and hardest at rare occassions. The truth is that I am painfully aware that I am alone when I come home and am sadly used to it. I have wonderful family and friends that keep me busy and thanks to them and my faithful God most days are good days. I constantly remind myself that there are others who are much worse off than me. I constantly remind myself that I am no martyr be any means. God constantly reminds me that in due time even if I never see why I will forever have the knowledge that this time will bring us closer to each other and closer to Him.