It's the Moments

I have grown quite accustomed to the way my daily life goes. I wake up no later than 6:30 a.m. Sometimes that time comes earlier. Sometimes I get up earlier because there is a little voice coming through the monitor that needs me. Sometimes I get up earlier because my mind simply can't or won't sleep any longer.

This morning I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 6:30, pleasantly surprised that my mind and my little boy had both stayed asleep! I reached for my phone and turned the alarm off and did what I typically do in the morning, I look at the daily verse on the Bible app and then I look at instagram and facebook. This particular morning there was a video someone had shared on facebook and it was one I knew I shouldn't click on but I did anyways.

After watching the video clip that was filled with emotions of joy and happiness, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I didn't even realize it but I knew why it was there. Unfortunately, it wasn't because I was so overwhelmed with happiness for these people I didn't even know. It was because I didn't get that moment. It was because I can never change the memory of how that moment went for me. I can never get that moment back. It will never be a moment filled with joy and happiness in my past. It was a moment filled with hurt, confusion, anger, and pain.

I never should have watched that video of a wife telling her husband they were expecting a little baby. I never should have watched as he got so excited that he cried tears of joy. I knew better, but I watched it anyways. I watched a video of what I had hoped that moment would have been like for me and cried a solitary tear when I was reminded I can't change the fact that it was not like that at all.

I don't think about the past because it doesn't help anything and it surely doesn't resolve anything. But there are moments when something hits me and I can't help but wish for different memories.