Both Sides

Being a single parent can be great at times, but it also can totally stink at times! I have been a single mom for the duration of my son's life and that can be good and bad. The good thing is that I don't know any other way. I don't have to battle thoughts of if it were easier when there were two. The bad is that I know that people who do not know my story assume things about how my son came to be. The majority of people in my life that I am close to know about my divorce and the rough road that led to that. There are a few people who are new to my life or have come in to the picture later who do not know my story. I know I shouldn't care but sometimes it is hard wondering what they think about my situation or if they asked someone else about it. It is not something people feel comfortable enough to ask about most of the time and it is not something you just share in everyday conversation either. There are plenty of positives and negatives to this life.

Positive: In my situation my ex is in the military and is away for most of the time. Now before you go assuming I am an awful person for saying that is a positive- stay with me here. I get to spend a lot of time with my son. I, at this point in his life, do not have to plan out weekend expeditions for the weekends I have him, holidays with or without him, etc.
Negative: His father is away most of the time. See, I told you to stay with me here! ;) While, his dad and I are not together- I know he still loves Ian with all his heart and misses him very much. I know he would love to be closer and spend more time with him but it just isn't in the cards right now. I wonder and sometimes worry if that will affect Ian later in life.

Positive: Little boys love their mommies. I am his favorite and I do not brag about that, but it is the truth. There is nothing like the squeal and laughter that comes from him when I pick him up from daycare after work. I love seeing him run to me and love on me with that big smile on his face.
Negative: Once we get past this little boy phase...ummm not so sure. Little boys eventually becomes big boys who smell, gross you out, and Lord help me- start to like girls. I don't know how to be there for him when what he really needs is a man to talk to.

Positive: I don't have to consult someone on a daily basis about decisions in regards to my son. I have that right and although at times, input is welcome...it is ultimately up to me to decide what is best for my son. Granted, not a lot of big life changing decisions are made in the first years but have you ever disciplined a toddler?
Negative: Sometimes at the end of the day, I would love to have someone I love and share life with to confide my doubts in. Did I do this right? Should I have put him in timeout for that? Should I have held out longer for him to say please? Is this going to cause him to be spoiled? Etc. Things most, if not all, moms wonder at times- I wish I had a partner in life to voice those questions to.

Positive: I love the bond we have. There is nothing like being their go to. I don't have to fight for attention. He loves me and he loves spending time with me. He would rather be doing so outside, which I am ok with most of the time! There is something uplifting knowing that little person depends mainly on you. Do I have an awesome support system in my extended family? Abso-freaking-lutely! But at the end of the day- I am his parent. I am his mom. I am the one he wants to hold him. I am the one he wants to play with. I am it.
Negative: I am it. I have an amazing brother and my sister married a godly man who has made an amazing brother-in-law. My brother just had his first little one a few weeks ago. I love these two men but it is hard sometimes. It is hard to see my brother-in-law play, laugh, and love with my nephews. I wish Ian had that in his life. When my niece was born, I saw how happy it made my brother and it made me wish things were different.

Things are up and down in this life. It is not about what I do or do not have- because that is not what life is about. God has given me this life and I am increasingly grateful for the blessings in my life. It is hard not having someone to share it with alongside me at times but I firmly believe if that is meant to be- God will direct that in the right timing. I do not want you to think of this post as a pity party because it is anything but! It is rather me asking you to think about the single parents in your life. No matter how they came to be single parents. Lift them up in prayer. Parents of all shapes and sizes struggle. It isn't all black and white. The lines are blurred sometimes and there are areas of gray in this life. However, it is a life some of us are living and I can guarantee you one thing- most single parents you meet are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. I know I am far stronger now than I have ever been and by God's grace that strength is renewed every morning. That and this sweet boy make it all the worthwhile!