That 4 Letter Word

L-O-V-E. Four letters. Two vowels. Two consonants. Four letters make up a word in the english language that means more than words of much greater size. Yet, it is a word that gets thrown around by all too many for all the wrong reasons. All too often, people only attribute love to romantic relationships. This is a way to lose out on all the love people around you have to give.

I LOVE my son! I LOVE my family. I LOVE my friends. I have some beautiful and cherished people in my life who I would go above and beyond the moon for if they asked me to, and even if they didn't ask!

But lately, the Lord has been pulling at my heart to dig deep and find out more about what the Scripture says about his LOVE. There are things I know in my head. For instance, I know that the Lord has an unconditional love for me. I know that His love is greater than any other love. But are those things I truly let seep into the corners of my heart. Do I just know those things or do I feel them and live them? So I am going to be attempting to make my quiet time with Him more focused on reading what the Scripture says about his love.

Love is a complex thing and I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life. One of my friends whom I love dearly is going through a rough time and my love for her compels me to reach out to her any way I can. It compels me to ask you to pray for her so that she may be lifted up in His strength and wisdom!

It is hard to imagine the Lord loving my son more than I do- but He does! He loves me the same way! He loves my sweet friend more than anyone and I just want to have the Scriptural knowledge I need to be able to show the people in my life exactly what our road map says about His love.

It's the Moments

I have grown quite accustomed to the way my daily life goes. I wake up no later than 6:30 a.m. Sometimes that time comes earlier. Sometimes I get up earlier because there is a little voice coming through the monitor that needs me. Sometimes I get up earlier because my mind simply can't or won't sleep any longer.

This morning I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 6:30, pleasantly surprised that my mind and my little boy had both stayed asleep! I reached for my phone and turned the alarm off and did what I typically do in the morning, I look at the daily verse on the Bible app and then I look at instagram and facebook. This particular morning there was a video someone had shared on facebook and it was one I knew I shouldn't click on but I did anyways.

After watching the video clip that was filled with emotions of joy and happiness, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I didn't even realize it but I knew why it was there. Unfortunately, it wasn't because I was so overwhelmed with happiness for these people I didn't even know. It was because I didn't get that moment. It was because I can never change the memory of how that moment went for me. I can never get that moment back. It will never be a moment filled with joy and happiness in my past. It was a moment filled with hurt, confusion, anger, and pain.

I never should have watched that video of a wife telling her husband they were expecting a little baby. I never should have watched as he got so excited that he cried tears of joy. I knew better, but I watched it anyways. I watched a video of what I had hoped that moment would have been like for me and cried a solitary tear when I was reminded I can't change the fact that it was not like that at all.

I don't think about the past because it doesn't help anything and it surely doesn't resolve anything. But there are moments when something hits me and I can't help but wish for different memories.

New Journey

Time to dust off that old e-mail from over a year ago, figuratively speaking. Literally, I will be digging through e-mails of over a year ago when my attorney emailed me a copy of the divorce papers and agreement I signed with my ex.

I thought I had all the time in the world to enjoy life with my little one. Do fun things with him, get to experience the first times for so much more. My ex is coming home, for good. I am still not completely sure how I feel about it all. He is coming home with his fiance. Believe it or not, that is not the part that bugs or bothers me in the least. I am genuinely happy that he will get to be a part of Ian's life the way I know he has wanted to be all along.

The hardest part for me will be the changes that occur in the coming months. I have but a few weeks left to enjoy my little boy to myself before it is the legally binding, and right, thing to do to share him with his dad. I feel like a little kid who is merrily playing with their favorite toy only to have it stripped away at a moments notice and told to share. It is appropriate that I feel like a little kid because I am fully aware that I sound like one!

It is something I promise I am working on. I know it is important for him to develop and have a relationship with his dad. I don't harbor any kind of ill will towards him by any means. I just hate that it means I lose time. In order for him to gain time, I must lose time.

It is hard and I struggle with wondering what first experiences I might miss out on. What holidays am I going to miss with him in the future? Then there is that little whisper that comes up and says, "It isn't fair that I will lose time with him because of the actions of someone else!" That is one of those times that I have to go through the forgiveness process all over again. I have to remind myself that even though I wasn't directly responsible for where I am today- I made choices that helped put me here. While some of those choices are ones I wouldn't make again in hindsight: I gained a wonderful little boy to love and cherish.

It will be quite the change but it is one I know I will adjust to because frankly, there is no other option. I just pray for peace and strength in the moments that my sinful selfishness tries to take hold. I pray that good things are to come from this and that God helps me fill my calendar every other weekend so I don't go crazy!

Ick!

 This little booger has been feeling a little icky, turns out he has an ear infection. A little medicine and three hour nap did wonders for him yesterday! Praying he continues to feel better!

The Unknown

It is really scary when you don't know what is around the next corner. It is easy to mentally plan out in our minds how we think life should be or what we think it will look like until a curve ball comes our way!

Just when you get comfortable, that is usually when things get all shaken up again.

I am desperately trying to remind myself that God is in control and He knows what is up ahead. As long as He knows and I trust in Him- He will equip me for whatever lies ahead. Father, please allow your strength to flow through my body so that I will be more than ready for and twist and turns!

Don't Blink!

My baby is becoming a boy and I love and dread it all at the same time! I feel like I have done a good job of cherishing each stage. When he was a newborn- I cherished the way I could hold him for hours. When he was an infant I cherished his smiles, laughs, and coos. When he was mobile, I cherished watching him explore and discover things for the first time. When he turned one, I cherished watching him run and play. Now that is a year and half- I cherish his love for ball and try to play with him as much as possible. I cherish the way when he gets up in the morning, he still wants to snuggle with his blanket a little longer. I cherish the way when he is tired prepare for a major melt down over the simplest of things, but also prepare for the way he will want you to pick him up and snuggle him.

The hardest thing sometimes about being a single mom and not knowing what the future holds is not knowing if I will get to love another little one of my own. I save most of his clothes in hopes that I will but I don't know if I ever will and I know with time- I will feel down right silly for holding on to things that I hope I get to use again. Even now, when I go to put away his clothes- I am more picky about what I save. I evaluate how many times he wore it and whether it fit him well or was true to its size. I know eventually, I will probably go through all those old clothes again and do the same thing to clear space.

I know it is silly. I know there are things I would keep regardless of whether or not a future little one would ever be a possibility. It is silly to think about but I am having a hard time with not knowing if he is the first and last. If he is, I am perfectly content with that. God has blessed me beyond measure with this little life and I pray God continues to give me the strength to raise him the way He needs me to raise him. But there is a vast difference between choosing for it to be your last and not knowing. So I cling to moments not knowing if I will ever go through the stages with another. He would be such a great big brother. I don't know if he will ever get that chance. If he doesn't, I am sure he will find some little brothers and sisters to "borrow" from time to time. In fact, he would probably prefer it that way! ;)

I am so thankful for the role God has given me, I can only hope and pray that peace will soak every part of my being- regardless of whether or not I am a mom of 1 or many.

Just a little light reading

What are you reading these days? I am in the midst of a Bible Study on Thessalonians so most of my reading revolves around that. I checked out a book from our church library a shameful amount of time ago and am looking forward to being able to read it soon, like next month maybe! ;)

It kind of makes me chuckle to think about the amount of reading I did before I became a mom. I love to read and reading a story to my little man is by far the favorite part of the bed time routine but I do remember when I used to read books that didn't rhyme.

One of my favorite Christian authors is Karen Kingsbury, but I can't tell you the last time I had the luxury of picking up one of her books. It isn't because I have no desire to, it is more due to the fact that I like to get through a book quickly. My brain is not organized enough to start a book and then slowly finish it- all the while remembering the  little details that make the story what it is. It is a luxury I am not very familiar with anymore. Maybe one day that will change- you know after that to-do list gets done! ;)