Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Don't Blink!

My baby is becoming a boy and I love and dread it all at the same time! I feel like I have done a good job of cherishing each stage. When he was a newborn- I cherished the way I could hold him for hours. When he was an infant I cherished his smiles, laughs, and coos. When he was mobile, I cherished watching him explore and discover things for the first time. When he turned one, I cherished watching him run and play. Now that is a year and half- I cherish his love for ball and try to play with him as much as possible. I cherish the way when he gets up in the morning, he still wants to snuggle with his blanket a little longer. I cherish the way when he is tired prepare for a major melt down over the simplest of things, but also prepare for the way he will want you to pick him up and snuggle him.

The hardest thing sometimes about being a single mom and not knowing what the future holds is not knowing if I will get to love another little one of my own. I save most of his clothes in hopes that I will but I don't know if I ever will and I know with time- I will feel down right silly for holding on to things that I hope I get to use again. Even now, when I go to put away his clothes- I am more picky about what I save. I evaluate how many times he wore it and whether it fit him well or was true to its size. I know eventually, I will probably go through all those old clothes again and do the same thing to clear space.

I know it is silly. I know there are things I would keep regardless of whether or not a future little one would ever be a possibility. It is silly to think about but I am having a hard time with not knowing if he is the first and last. If he is, I am perfectly content with that. God has blessed me beyond measure with this little life and I pray God continues to give me the strength to raise him the way He needs me to raise him. But there is a vast difference between choosing for it to be your last and not knowing. So I cling to moments not knowing if I will ever go through the stages with another. He would be such a great big brother. I don't know if he will ever get that chance. If he doesn't, I am sure he will find some little brothers and sisters to "borrow" from time to time. In fact, he would probably prefer it that way! ;)

I am so thankful for the role God has given me, I can only hope and pray that peace will soak every part of my being- regardless of whether or not I am a mom of 1 or many.

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