Monday, October 27, 2014

New Journey

Time to dust off that old e-mail from over a year ago, figuratively speaking. Literally, I will be digging through e-mails of over a year ago when my attorney emailed me a copy of the divorce papers and agreement I signed with my ex.

I thought I had all the time in the world to enjoy life with my little one. Do fun things with him, get to experience the first times for so much more. My ex is coming home, for good. I am still not completely sure how I feel about it all. He is coming home with his fiance. Believe it or not, that is not the part that bugs or bothers me in the least. I am genuinely happy that he will get to be a part of Ian's life the way I know he has wanted to be all along.

The hardest part for me will be the changes that occur in the coming months. I have but a few weeks left to enjoy my little boy to myself before it is the legally binding, and right, thing to do to share him with his dad. I feel like a little kid who is merrily playing with their favorite toy only to have it stripped away at a moments notice and told to share. It is appropriate that I feel like a little kid because I am fully aware that I sound like one!

It is something I promise I am working on. I know it is important for him to develop and have a relationship with his dad. I don't harbor any kind of ill will towards him by any means. I just hate that it means I lose time. In order for him to gain time, I must lose time.

It is hard and I struggle with wondering what first experiences I might miss out on. What holidays am I going to miss with him in the future? Then there is that little whisper that comes up and says, "It isn't fair that I will lose time with him because of the actions of someone else!" That is one of those times that I have to go through the forgiveness process all over again. I have to remind myself that even though I wasn't directly responsible for where I am today- I made choices that helped put me here. While some of those choices are ones I wouldn't make again in hindsight: I gained a wonderful little boy to love and cherish.

It will be quite the change but it is one I know I will adjust to because frankly, there is no other option. I just pray for peace and strength in the moments that my sinful selfishness tries to take hold. I pray that good things are to come from this and that God helps me fill my calendar every other weekend so I don't go crazy!