Just like so...

Well, I have put off this post long enough I suppose. I have put it off because I don't really have the words but I know there are people who care and who should know. My divorce is back on and will be finalized probably before the end of the summer. I have had people ask about how I am doing. Honestly, the best thing I know to say is that God has given me a peace and a strength that even I do not understand. It doesn't take away the hurt and pain I feel sometimes but I am ok.

There are things I still don't understand and times where I am still baffled by the past year. I am coming up on a year since my husband of three years told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and as much as I tried to hang on for the both of us, it was too hard when I was being ignored. So, I made the hard decision to come home. I made this decision mainly because of the little life I discovered around the same time that was growing inside of me. I have mentioned briefly before that I suffered a miscarriage in May of last year. I was terrified that this little life would not handle the added stress on my body well at all if I were to stay across the ocean from the people I needed the most at that moment. I was having a great deal of difficulty finding just the strength to eat and I was terrified I might lose this new little life as well, so I came home.

I prayed as hard as I have ever prayed for anything. Things just kept getting messier and messier, which is not much of a surprise considering we were an ocean apart and factors there that I had no control over. I continued to do everything I could to trust God and let Him guide me through every twist and turn- and there were a lot of those! I thought God had finally reached a distant heart when he came to me with a humble and repentant heart. I don't doubt that God touched his heart but unfortunately it still did not mean the results I thought it would. It was clear that I was going to be the one putting in the most work, which may not have been so bad if I hadn't been through everything I have been through in the past year. I have been hurt time and time again by the person in my life I thought would always protect and stand up for me. That part still hurts. It still hurts to know I wasn't worth fighting for in his eyes. It is something I struggle with daily. I wake up and remind myself there is one person who knows I am worth fighting for and fights for me everyday, Christ. If there is one thing I have learned it is that the faithfulness and love of Christ is far greater than any I will ever experience otherwise.

In the end, the past year has been nothing but a tangled and emotional mess. Someone asked me the other day how I could describe what my life was like before Ian came along. Considering how much Ian has changed my life already and how many things are so different from how they were before he came along, I told them it was like a different life. I think back and it is hard to remember now after everything. My heart hurts because someone who once thought I was very valuable doesn't anymore. Someone who once made me feel like the most special thing makes me feel taken for granted. I still cringe when I think about some of the things that happened this past year and how my heart was dragged through the mud. I am not angry but there are things I still don't understand and I may never understand them. There are still questions that I do not have the answers to and I may never have those answers. I am working on being okay with those things but I know it will take time. For the time being, I am working on accepting my new place and trying to be grateful for the lessons the last year has taught me.

I hope to one day find love again, but I know if I do- it will be a long road and it will be with someone who actively proves that he loves Christ more than he loves me. I hope to find someone who will be a good father figure in Ian's life since his dad will more than likely be in the army and rarely close by. I hope to find someone who will challenge me in my walk with God and look to Him during the rough times and know that no matter what happens, that with God's strength, we will find a way to get through it. But if God never gives me that person, I will be okay.

Sorry for the bombardment but, like I said, I have been meaning to write an update on the situation for a while but didn't know if I could find the words. I still don't know if I have found the sufficient words to express the emotion in my heart but I guess it will suffice for now. Thank you for your continued prayers and support!