Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope, and a future."

This has always been a favorite verse on mine, particularly in times of trial. This verse has come to carry such greater meaning in the past months. The past year has been, without a doubt, the hardest year I have ever had to face. In May of last year I had to deal with exuberant joy of discovering I was pregnant only to lose that joy a few weeks later. My mind naturally raced between all sorts of blame and fearful thoughts that I may never be able to give birth to a child of my own like I had always hoped. My husband was an absolute rock for me through this hardship but I carried a lot of guilt over not being able to give him that little life he was so excited about. Instead of talking to him about all those emotions and feelings the way I should have, I shut down about the topic. I kept my feelings to myself and swept them under the rug- convinced if he was strong for me, he deserved for me to be strong for him. It was about this time that I began to realize how many things in my life I had begun to place above God. It was sad. I had placed my husband above God. I had placed my desire to start a family before God. I hated that it took such a tragic moment in my life to realize this. I started becoming more faithful in my church attendance, despite not being a huge fan of the chapel on base. I reminded myself that church was not for me, it was for God. It didn't matter that sometimes I didn't like the music. It didn't matter that sometimes the chaplain speaking seemed to be reading a sermon someone else had written. All that mattered is that God calls me to observe the Sabbath and worship Him. I began to realize that and tried to look for ways to serve Him as best I could. My husband attended church with me occasionally but it was at this time I became painfully aware of how far my husband had drifted from God as well. I believe it was during this time of my trying to work through my emotions on my own and simultaneously growing closer to God that my marriage truly suffered.

I will not ever justify some of the actions that came about as a result of the drift that occurred in my marriage but I will forgive. God guided me through a very rough year of ups and downs with the man I had placed above Him. He guided me to forgiveness time and time again, even when I didn't understand the ability to forgive. He guided me to give chances when I thought it was crazy, as did everyone else in my life. Ultimately, my mind set was that I had made a promise to this man. I had committed to him and would honor that promise until he was no longer my husband- if it came to that. The whole time, my heart and soul, longed for a story of redemption. My heart and soul longed to see my husband turn back to God and become not just the man of God I married, but a stronger man of God. When he came home for our son's birth- I was convinced this was going to happen. Instead, the opposite happened. Things got worse and yet God still called me to have an attitude of grace and mercy by pointing out to me that is what He would do. It was a rough week that ended in the signing of papers and I had finally come to the conclusion that God was not going to give me the answer I wanted Him to give me. Maybe that is what God had planned all along. Maybe He wanted to see that I would praise Him, even if I didn't get what I wanted, because it was only after this that my prayers were answered.

God has given my marriage a second chance and has done far more than I could have ever imagined in the heart of my husband. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us to repair the damage done to our marriage in the last year but we are both willing and understand that putting God at the center is the only way it will get done. I got my story of redemption and I could not be more nervous about the journey that lies ahead. I am still terrified that the rug is going to pulled out from under my feet again, therefore I am extremely cautious until I continued to be proven wrong day in and day out. He is doing his best to put my doubts and fears to rest and I am grateful for that. More than that I am grateful to see and hear what God is doing in His heart and life. We are sharing devotions with each other and praying together and finally putting Christ at the center of our marriage the way we should have a long time ago. I asks that you continue to pray for us as we set out on this journey to heal our broken marriage. It is very difficult with him being gone for now. Pray that God keeps us both strong and gives us the resolve to work through our differences and weaknesses.

Also, I plan on giving you a better Ian update soon but to tie you over until then- here are some of the newborn pictures they took in the hospital.