New Chapter

Today marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Those of you that are familiar with me know I have been going through a long drawn out personal struggle in my marriage. It has been an ongoing struggle to maintain a positive attitude throughout everything that has happened. I never imagined myself birthing my first child only to sign divorce papers a couple weeks after he was born. I certainly never imagined my life looking like this. I love my little boy with all my heart and my heart still hurts that I can't give him the family I wish I could. He has so many people in his life that love and spoil him already. I know he will not miss out on love. Through all the hard ships, Ian's dad was able to be here to help for a little while. It was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I also knew it was the right thing to do to let his dad have some time with him. There are so many emotions and a big part of me that is still in utter disbelief over the events of the last year. I have no idea what God has in store for me and my little boy but I know He will take care of us.

As I sit here and type this update, he swings away in his little swing completely oblivious to troubles of this world. I wish, with all my heart it could stay that way. However, I know the day will come when I will have to answer questions I don't want to answer. I will have to find a way to delicately explain a painful time to my son. I do not look forward to that day. My little boy is an angel and I do not want him to ever doubt the greatness this life holds, especially when we lean on Christ. I am not going to lie, even though a part of me is relieved, it is hard that there was not a happy ending to that part of the story. I did my best to carry myself in a manner pleasing to the Lord through this trial, and a part of me truly thought there would be this drastic transformation and restoration in order to provide a happy ending and a story that could be used to reach others. Obviously, that was not in the cards. I can be at peace with everything because I know I did everything I could, and went beyond my own limits to honor the promise I made. It sometimes feels like it was all for naught but I know I can hold my head high and that means a lot to me now and will mean even more to me down the road.

This next chapter in my life is a very scary one because I have no idea what it looks like. I know it means being dependent on a lot of people in my life, which is something I have never been very great at doing. It is scary knowing I will still have to deal with the emotions of everything in the past because of the fact that Ian's dad will always be in the picture in some form or fashion. I wouldn't want him not to be in the picture, but it is just hard. I know it will get easier with time and I sincerely pray and hope that he is able to be the father figure my son needs, even though he will be gone most of the time. Please just remember me in your prayers over the next little while as I continue to draw strength from the Lord and rely on Him to get me through every twist and turn that lies ahead.